August 29th, 2010

The Britney-Lindsay-Paris News Cycle Repeats Itself

If you follow entertainment/celebrity news at all (and I admit, I’m addicted to the stuff) then the past week probably seemed like a big ol’ helping of deja vu all over again. Back in the news, seemingly back-to-back? Brit-brit, LiLo and Paris… only this none of them made headlines for leaving the house without wearing panties because that’s sooooo 2006.

No, this time we’re reading about how Lindsay Lohan is a free woman again after serving jail time followed by mandatory in-patient drug rehab for violating the terms of her 2007 DUI conviction. An incident, by the way, which also involved a charge of cocaine possession that Lindsay swore wasn’t hers. That charge was later dismissed because her “her friend’s” dealer stepped on her stuff so heavily it didn’t legally qualify as cocaine.

Of course, Paris Hilton didn’t get quite so lucky when the Vegas police nabbed her for possession this weekend. Like all things “Hilton”, her stuff was the good stuff… but, like Lindsay (and countless teenagers before her), she swears it wasn’t hers. Uh-huh.

So let us examine Exhibit One, in which we have Paris Hilton swooning over a hamburger which, were it held the normal way, would dwarf her thigh:

There's a reason she's not holding that burger horizontally.

And Britney, whose own stint in drug rehab seems to have actually worked? She’s been walking tall on the set of Glee and, if rumors are to be believed, might actually be walking down the aisle sometime next year. The only hold up? That pesky ol’ conservatorship that still lets her father call all of the shots in her life. Then again, that might be why Britney’s the only one who seems to be, well, growing up. (And, no, I’m not talking about a father like Lindsay’s who wants to open his own drug rehab then make her his first official patient.)

Seriously, folks, what is this world coming to when Britney Spears is the one who sounds sane???

End times, people. Jus’ sayin’. End times.

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CategoryCelebrities Bite | Comment5 Comments »


August 20th, 2010

These Chatroulette Fans May Need Therapy One Day

I’ve already written about my own stomach-turning experience with Chatroulette, a site created to be a free visual-chat service. Of course, it should’ve been foreseeable that some users would turn the service into show-and-tell for perverts. But perhaps it should also have been foreseeable that advertisers would try to get in on the action, too?

The various guys in the video below were certainly expecting the former, judging by the grins on their faces as they check out a pretty girl on screen who looks like she’s about ready to give them a peep show. Little did they know, the marketing team behind the movie The Last Exorcism (coming to theaters later this month) had other plans for them.

Really freaking funny plans, if you’re not one of the boys. Otherwise? Well, let’s just say that pair of 13-year-olds will probably think twice before trying to see a strange woman’s boobies now.

CategorySex Bites | CommentNo Comments »

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August 19th, 2010

Sorry About That Email!

Apparently, if you’d ever — as in EVER — left a comment here you received an email from me today, and chances are you’re confused by it. I’m so sorry!

Earlier today I’d tried changing the setup options for a plug-in that sends emails when people leave first-time comments. That made my blog freeze up, which I now realize probably occurred because my server was sending out thousands of emails. YIKES!

I’ve already uninstalled the darn thing so it won’t happen again, but please accept my apologies.

CategoryBlog bites | Comment5 Comments »


August 19th, 2010

This Woman Makes Me Puke

Some days I think I should just completely stop listening to the news. Some days, like today, it’s just too hard to breathe after hearing certain news stories, too hard to live with the burden of knowing about tragedies it would have been so easy to go without ever knowing about.

Tragedies like this story about a 6-year-old Down’s Syndrome boy found living in the attic of his home where his mother apparently dumped him and did her best to forget he was there.

Deputies said they were called to the 8200 block of Center Drive around 5 p.m. Wednesday by a relative to conduct a welfare check on the 6-year-old. Deputies said they checked the home and talked to the mother, Rachel L. Perez, who claimed the boy was not at home. After running her name through their database, deputies arrested Perez.

At 11 p.m. Wednesday, deputies went back to the home at the request of a relative and found the boy in the attic of the home. Deputies described the boy as very fragile and malnourished and said the boy was extremely thin. The boy’s skeletal structure could easily be seen due to his level of malnourishment.

The mother, of course, has been arrested. She’s going to be arraigned this afternoon. The little boy is at Children’s Mercy Hospital in Kansas City, Missouri. There’s no word, at this point, about whether he’ll be placed with relatives or will begin what’s certain to be a scary and sad journey through the foster care system. Did I mention the woman has two little girls and is currently pregnant with another? Those kids are victims now, too.

This story so upset me that I’ve been throwing up all morning.

There was a time when The Big-Eyed Boy was little and I would’ve given anything to give him a little brother, when the thought of twice as much noise, twice as much mess, twice as many hugs to enjoy was everything I wanted. It wasn’t in the cards for us, though, and I guess things turned out exactly as they should be.

But I sure hope there’s a woman with a big heart and a happy, bright, wide-open home waiting to love this little boy who’s been caged in an attic, who has only known “home” as a place of terror and fear. I hope they find each other, and that she gives him every hug he should’ve been receiving all these years… and then some.

And I hope his biological mother finds herself someday soon in a small, dark, miserably hot place where no one listens to her screams, just like she must’ve ignored her son’s. A prison cell. Hell. I don’t care. I just hope she suffers for a very, VERY long time.

CategoryNews Bites | Comment10 Comments »

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August 18th, 2010

Word Fugue: The Back-To-School Edition

It seems like ages since we last played Word Fugue around here. It also seems like ages since I’ve had an entire day to myself, and with the Big-Eyed Boy back in school today, let’s hop on that Word Fugue train. If you haven’t played before, or just don’t have the brain cells to remember the rules, here they are:

1. I start it off with a word.
2. You look at the most recently posted comment.
3. You leave the word — and only ONE word — that comes to mind upon reading the most recent comment.
4. You may play as many times as you like, but you may not use the same word twice.

Here’s the word:

Freedom!

(Note: If you’re reading this on Facebook please click through to Electric Venom to play along!)

CategoryTime Wasting Bites | Comment21 Comments »


August 16th, 2010

Countdown to Peace and Quiet

We just got back home from meeting my son’s 5th grade teacher. Sheesh, I still can’t type 5th grade without pausing, squinching up my face and thinking “No, that can’t be right. He can’t be that old. I CAN’T BE OLD ENOUGH TO HAVE A FIFTH GRADER!” But the school is convinced otherwise because yes, indeed, his name was on the fifth grade class roster. So now you know why public school kids suck at math: the schools are obviously wrong since I cannot POSSIBLY be old enough to have a fifth grader.

Anyway.

The ‘Meet the Teacher’ day is always a turning point for the Big-Eyed Boy. That’s when he makes up his mind whether the end of summer is a total drag worthy of a major meltdown, or whether he’s actually looking forward to going back to school. The answer always depends on his first impression of his teacher.

If she seems nice and friendly he assumes that means she’ll be an easy teacher and he looks forward to class starting. If she seems aloof and reserved, well, that’s enough to convince him she’s going to make his life a living hell for the next nine months and, naturally, he’ll claims he’s getting “strapped throat” or “typhoonoid” — ailments which, he assures me, will lead to his untimely demise if I actually force him to go back to school this year. Oddly enough, he hasn’t figured out that each and every year his impression of how easy his teacher would be have been 100% wrong.

His no-nonsense 3rd grade teacher? She made the kids popcorn every day in class, turned my book-hating kid into someone who’d at least put up with reading a book once a week, and inspired my kid to increase his math skills by THREE grade levels. By the end of the year, he adored her.

His hip-hugger wearing 4th grade teacher with the multiple earrings and spiky blond highlights? When we visited her class on “Meet the Teacher Day” he didn’t speak a word but blushed furiously the entire time. Afterward, he’d sigh whenever he spoke her name, and it sure seemed like he came up with a lot of reasons to be speaking her name. Then school started and he discovered her fondness for piling on the homework on TOP of a half-hour of assigned reading nightly, even over Christmas and Easter vacations. By the end of the year he’d taken to grumbling whenever her name was spoken.

Today it was a real treat watching him meet his new teacher. See, she’s about my height and about my build. Her hair’s about the same length and color as mine, and we’re maybe 3 years apart in age. So in this year when my son’s hormones are most likely to kick in I can rest easy knowing he’s probably not going to get a distracting crush on his teacher (and if he does I’m afraid I’ll never be able to look him in the eye again). Now, before you go thinking his teacher’s a carbon-copy of me, let me assure you: she seems VERY nice and VERY easy-going. I’m not like that at all.

Halfway to the car my son announced that someone as nice as her couldn’t possibly be a mean teacher, so he’s now looking forward to school. Me? I just chuckled, considering his track-record. Either way that now makes two of us looking forward to the alarm clock going off at 6:30 Wednesday morning.

CategoryBlog bites, School Bites | Comment1 Comment »

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August 11th, 2010

This Story Might Put You Off Your Peas

As someone with pretty serious year-round, indoor and outdoor allergies, I find myself sneezing, hacking, wheezing and coughing quite a bit. Of all my myriad allergies, green peas aren’t among them. After reading this story about a man with a pea plant growing in his lung, I might just start claiming I’m allergic to the things.

There was a problem sprouting in a local man’s lung. Doctors originally thought the new growth was a tumor, but when they looked closer, they got a big surprise.

“I was told I had a pea seed in my lung that had split and had sprouted,” said Ron Sveden.

It was not the diagnosis Ron Sveden was expecting. He had prepared himself to hear the words cancer and tumor, but a plant growing in his lung?

“Probably about a half-an-inch, which is a pretty big thing of course,” said Sveden.

Ron had been sick for months. He was already fighting emphysema when his health took a turn for the worse.

“I was not doing too well, a lot of coughing, I was very listless,” said Sveden.

On Memorial Day Sveden’s wife called 911, and he was rushed to the hospital where doctors took x-rays and found his left lung collapsed.

For two weeks they ran tests but they all came back negative for cancer, until one doctor found the plant growing in his lung.

“Whether this would have gone full-term and I’d be working for the jolly green giant, I don’t know. I think the thing that finally dawned on me is that it wasn’t the cancer,” said Sveden.

Ron said he never felt anything growing in his chest, just a lot of coughing.

Doctors suspect he had eaten a pea at some point in the last couple of months and it went down the wrong way, and then began to grow.

“One of the first meals I had in the hospital after the surgery had peas for the vegetable. I laughed to myself and ate them,” said Sveden.

CategoryOdd Bites | Comment3 Comments »


August 9th, 2010

G-Strings Now Second String To Granny Panties

According to the Daily Mail, we have Mad Men’s Christina Hendricks — she who put the va back into va-va-voom! — to thank for the return of the Granny Panty. Thus saith the Mail:

Up to twice the size of normal knickers, waist-nippers flatter the hourglass figure by trimming in a woman’s stomach and pushing out the hips and breasts.

As they say, a picture speaks a thousand words and thus we have Exhibit 1:

Now, as a woman of what we’re going to call “ample proportions” (because I said so), I am happy — nay, THRILLED — that Granny Panties are back in style. Why? Because it means, more likely than not, that high-waisted jeans (also known as Mom Jeans) are most likely to return next. And that, my friends, means an end to that whole skanky tramp stamp or thong show (for which we all have Monica Lewinsky to thank).

Most of all, it means an end to the muffin top though, sadly, not necessarily an end to the type of people who don’t mind them.

Now, don’t get me wrong: it’s not like I’ve been holding my breath waiting for this to happen. It’s not like I have a vacuum-sealed bag of Mom Jeans just waiting to be returned to good graces in my closet, or like I’ve got a drawerful (no pun intended) of Granny Panties I’ve been dying to wear. Though I do.

I just couldn’t pass up a chance to write a headline like that. Seriously, can you blame me? I crack me up.

CategoryNews Bites | Comment6 Comments »

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